From the Troubled Mind of an Emerging Writer

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There are a lot of quotes that exist for the specific purpose of telling aspiring writers about the struggles of being a writer. Some suggest that it takes about 99 "no's" to get a "yes." Others say that it's likely that most writers will never truly get to a point where they can write to sustain themselves. "Do something until you can do something else." "Don't quit your day job." And so on.

Through the fog of it all, through all of the voices of writers past and present telling young bloods how it "really" is, there is one voice I hear clearly when I start to feel myself giving up. Professor Warren Lewis’ advice was a cut and dry, "Don't kill yourself." 

It's the type of statement that warrants an uncomfortable chuckle and perhaps a brow furrow. Who's thinking about suicide in a screenplay adaptation class? Within the secure confines of an academic setting, it always appears that the sky's the limit. It's inspiring to think that everyone in the room is destined for some form of creative greatness beyond graduation. What often lingers beneath the surface is the notion that creative greatness is not a guarantee for every film school graduate. 

Something I'm beginning to realize is that I took for granted the amount of support being in school provides the up-and-coming writer. When I was a student of the craft, my family was proud; my work was always guaranteed to be read by someone, constructive praise was always just around the bend. I doubted myself less. I knew that I was working towards my dream and that it was something as feasible as if I had gone for that "practical" degree my parents initially pushed for. I didn't care that pursuing my passion for writing was an eternal point of silent contempt. I didn't care about anything but my work. 

Now, it's different. My family will brag about my degrees, but they'll never reveal the field of study. I don't know what to say when I'm asked, "What do you do?" And, somehow, I care about what everyone else thinks more than I ever have before. I doubt myself every day. Now I'm the bearer of silent contempt when I wake up and realize that I'm still working my day job with no end in sight. It's like being trapped in the center of a wheel rolling down an endless hill. The only way to survive is to hang on for dear life. 

And that's when I hear it. "Don't kill yourself." 

I've come to recognize the layered context of the simple phrase. Of course, there's the literal context, which is a genuine concern among writers. There have been more than a few studies that suggest links between career writers and manic-depressive or depressive illnesses. However, I find the most meaning in the unconventional context. The one which suggests that "Don't kill yourself" is synonymous with "Don't stop writing." 

For me, writing has always been an extension of myself, an extra organ. To stop would mean to remove the organ, and ultimately, kill off a vital part of my make up. Sometimes I feel myself getting wrapped up in the stigma and wondering if the organ was ever as valuable as I once believed. Couldn't I still live without it? Is it worth keeping and having it ache from time to time? Should I move on? 

But then I hear it again. "Don't kill yourself." And, I know that, despite it all, I'm much better off with it in place. Things are going to suck. I'm going to continue to hate my day job, and I'm going to cry and doubt myself. I'm going to take offense to every mention of law school as a practical approach to post-graduate life, but I'm not going to kill myself. And I'm never going to stop writing. And, neither should you. 

*If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or feelings of depression and need to reach out, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or The Samaritans at 1-877-870-4673.

For Further Reading:

Study: Writers are Twice as Likely to Commit Suicide - The Atlantic

Exploring the Links Between Depression, Writers, and Suicide - The New York Times

Depression Hotline Numbers - PsychCentral

About the Author

Mercedes K. Milner is a Co-Founder and Administrator of the Write or Die Chicks and the Writer’s Group Coordinator. She is a staff writer for the WODC Blog and she heads the Reading on Writing column.